Hi Everybody,
I've been enjoying the last couple days of spring here in Phoenix...at 115 degrees F, and the beginning of summer. Ha....yeah, it's pretty warm. So what can you do about it except enjoy the moment, and try to keep cool when you can? We all would like to have a little more control over various aspects of our lives, but what do we really have that control over?
I've been thinking about doing a post on Control issues lately. Many of us have control issues in one form or another (including myself). Some control issues may include being bossy or wanting/cohercing/manipulating others to do what you expect of them. Other control issues may be more subtle and private like "reminding," someone of something more than one time or several times; just to make sure they follow thru. Do we try to fix others, or change them, maybe just "help" them to improve (even though we weren't asked). How do you react when things don't go the way you expect or plan for them to go?
We may think we've got it all planned out in life. We've got finances under control, the people we want surrounding us, the job, the lifestyle, etc....everything is set up how we like it and nothing can change that...and is that true? Sometimes we may even go to great lengths to ensure we keep it all together. We may manipulate or try to coerce others to fall in line with our plans...either overtly or maybe trying to be very smooth in trying to pull this off. We want things to go, "the way they're supposed to go."
The truth is, control is an illusion. Trying to control the people in our lives can be a tricky business, and in the end will leave us with a lot of heartache. Whether it's a sibling, spouse, or friend; we may be able to get them to fall in line, behave, or do what we ask or demand for a while. Sooner or later though, if we have expectations that others will change to meet our desires, we will always find ourselves getting frustrated and our expectations unmet.
We may want to control events, our businesses, jobs, etc. Again - you may get the outcome you want for a while, but if you're trying to force solutions, sooner or later you'll end up stressed out and very frustrated. Basically, we may have control issues in almost every aspect of our lives. Do you do everything in your power to get the outcome you want? Do you try to force your solutions to any or every situation? If so, you may have issues with control and you may want to do something about it.
Then there's denial. Denial can play a huge role in keeping the controlling person from making changes. They may feel they have to "control," to keep it all together. They probable feel like they're trying to help...how can that be bad, right?
First - you need to realize, you're not in control of everything and everyone. If you feel like you are, go get a handful of water or sand and hold it tightly...the harder you squeeze, the more it goes right thru your fingers. It's a great metaphor for how we try sometimes to hold on too tightly in our lives. The more we try to get others to do what we want, and hold on to and try to manage outcomes, the more elusive it seems to be. So what can we do?
We can go with the flow. We can do our best, and take the steps necessary, but sometimes things don't go our way. When that happens we need to adapt, adjust, and perhaps go with the flow and not hold on so tightly. When we fight the flow, it wears us down. Back to the water/sand example; when we try to hold it tight, it slips thru our fingers. When we gently cup our hands together and dip out some water, it will stay in our cupped hands.
There's a couple of sayings - "Give it over to God," and "Let Go and Let God." If you're a person of faith or spirituality, you can give that person or situation over to your Higher Power, and let Him handle the details...and try to keep my fingers out of it. When I do this, things don't always go the way I want them to, but they always work out just right. Of course sometimes it's hard to immediately see that they turned out just right, but that's not really for me to dictate, anyhow.
The bottom line is that controlling is a fear based behavior. When we release that fear and move over to a place of love and allowing, things immediately shift. This means, I let go of the outcome and doing only my part. With people, I need to accept them for who they are and release feeling the need to change them in any way. I only give help to people who ask for it (because I think someone needs my help, doesn't mean they need it or want it). For plans or events - I do my part, do my best, and let the chips fall where they may. I detach from forcing outcomes or solutions.
I also try to stay in the present moment as much as possible. That means not dwelling on the past or anticipating or trying to manage the future, but just being right here, right now. This moment is the only one we have, and I let the future unfold as it is supposed to.
These are some of my thoughts on control and how I deal with it in my own life. Of course, I'm still a work in progress, but I like to think I'm moving in the right direction. If you feel you have control issues, try some of these ideas. If it's still too much and the compulsion to control is too great, there's help to be had; therapy, 12 Step Groups, etc. Believe me when I tell you; it feels good when you don't feel like you have to control everything and everyone around you.
Have a great week and be kind to each other out there.
Peace,
Tom
I'm an Holistic Therapist in Phoenix, AZ. Check out my website at:
www. HolisticTherapySolutions.weebly.com
